Shift Your Focus

As a kid, I lived in my head. My thoughts were my escape from reality. I was also very good at being quiet, inconspicuous, and listening; I observed people and situations. I was nosey. If I wasn’t wrapped up in my thoughts, I was all up in grown folks’ conversations. When I was about 10 or 11, I remember sitting at the bar in my grandmother’s kitchen, doing my homework, and listening to her tell someone on the phone that my school said I was gifted and should go to a school that had a magnet program. I remember feeling excited and then immediately crushed. I don’t even remember what she said about why, but it came down to being that I couldn’t go.

As a parent, I can understand why it wasn’t feasible for her to enroll me in a school several miles from home. At that moment, though, I couldn’t understand anything passed my disappointment. The fact that I was eligible to go to a magnet school and considered gifted was never a conversation that anyone had with me. Soon after that conversation, I overheard my siblings, and I went to live with another relative. Moving meant changing schools, meeting new people, and adjusting to a new environment. That didn’t come easy for me, and I remember feeling confused about why we had to go, nervous about being somewhere new, and a little excited because maybe this meant things would be getting better. Nobody told me anything, so I retreated to my thoughts to make sense of the move.

I had been with the same group of friends for as long as I could remember, and everyone who needed to know what was happening at home knew, and more importantly, they knew it wasn’t up for discussion. I didn’t have to explain where my parents were. I didn’t have to dodge questions regarding the circumstances that led to my living with family. I answered it if I wanted to since I never seemed to overhear those conversations. The new school I was enrolled in was predominantly Caucasian, and the kids were not kind. They stared at me, whispered about my skin color, called me ugly, and bullied me. I felt uncomfortable there and had to fight to stop the bullying. Because I felt comfortable in my new environment at home, I decided to do my best at school to fit in, so I tried out for cheerleading. I thought I killed it, but I didn’t make the team. I wasn’t stiff enough, but that was only what I overheard. I managed to make one friend during the week I spent learning a routine for cheer tryouts, but I never really fit in there, and it didn’t matter because I wasn’t there long.

For a reason unbeknownst to me, my siblings and I moved back in with my grandparents after what feels like only a couple of months of being gone. Again, nothing was ever explained about why we moved, we were just told, and I knew better than to ask questions. Not long after that move, we were sent to live with my mom, over an hour away from my friends and comfort zone. I don’t have a solid recollection of what was happening during this time in my life, but when I prayed and asked God about this habit of getting stuck in my thoughts and feeling defeated, He reminded me of this period. The time in my life when I was shuffled from place to place without an explanation and only had my thoughts to keep me company and make sense of the world around me.

When I started going to therapy in January 2022, I didn’t know what I was walking into; I just knew I needed to see, feel, hear, and be different. I’m sure people on the outside looking in thought things were great; inside, though, I was falling apart fast. My first few sessions consisted of me venting about everything and everyone around me while my therapist ate salad. She lasted about a month. Apparently, she left the office, which was fine with me since I didn’t need someone to co-sign my complaints and misery while chomping on lettuce. My next therapist put me to work immediately. One of my first assignments was to tap into the artist in me and paint or draw whatever I wanted.

I was ready to do the work needed to heal and see my life differently. I was prepared to do what needed to be done to change. I tried to think of happy things to paint or draw, but I couldn’t; I didn’t feel happy, and I was tired of faking happiness. I sketched what I felt inside at that time in my life, and it was what I felt for as long as I could remember; I felt sad, overwhelmed, and consumed by my thoughts and the things happening around me. I usually escaped what was going on inside my head by sleeping as long as I could when I could; I found my escape in books, social media, cleaning and organizing, working long hours, and anything else that didn’t involve me thinking about my tribulations or the troubles of the people I loved. This time, my assignment was to escape using a skill. I used my sketch of a woman curled up in darkness with her head buried and body wrapped in a purple blanket to run from and describe my feelings and thoughts. I felt a touch of relief when I finished it.

This week it seems like the quiet, inconspicuous, observant little girl and the sad, overwhelmed, over-thinker collided. I listened to my share of people going through difficult situations this week. They called me; I wasn’t being nosey! By the 3rd conversation with the 3rd person, I realized I was giving the same advice; ”Shift your focus.” Every time I gave that advice to somebody this week, I fell further into my thoughts. I became that little girl again sitting at the bar hearing” gifted…but”. My excitement about writing a post for this week turned to anxiety and defeat.” Maybe I’m not good enough; I’m not going to be able to balance everything I have on my plate; how much information is too much, people probably think I’m strange…”. These were just a few things going through my head. I got caught up in my thoughts of inadequacy. I’m getting pretty good with self-checking shifts in my feelings and emotions sooner rather than later. I could see that I was inviting the version of me sitting in the dark, feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and consumed by thoughts and everything happening back in. Having thoughts of doubt made me feel defeated. Thinking about defeat made me feel like a failure. Feeling like a failure made me want to escape my mind by not doing anything. My thoughts were beginning to spiral. Music playing in the car, my office, or anywhere else became background noise instead of the usual pick me up. People speaking to me began to sound like an episode of Charlie Brown. At some points, I was even caught up thinking about my thoughts! Who does that?!

By Wednesday, I took my advice and began shifting my focus. Instead of burying myself in my anxiety about writing, I wrote; instead of being consumed by my thoughts, I fired up my Cricut and made a box for them (yes, I craft to cope lol); instead of worrying about my friends and family being in places and situations that make me sad and angry, I took time out of my day to pray, praise God for the wisdom he gave to me through experiences to provide them with advice. I acknowledged their journey as their own and trusted Him with their lives and circumstances. 

A big part of my healing journey will be changing my mindset. I cannot change my perspective if I do not change my internal thought process and DO something to start and maintain the shift. I’ve spent the better part of this past year learning to accept that I have been in survival mode for a long time and cannot stay there. I don’t have to be there at all; I survived.

I’m working to not only feel better but be better. Changing my mindset requires therapy, daily affirmations, prayer, reading the bible, sketching, writing, crafting, church, spending time with family and friends, etc. I will continue to do whatever needs to be done to control the negative thoughts that consume me until they know their place, which is NOT in my head. I used to feel that people should do better and be better. Getting caught up in thoughts and feelings for a while was ok, but the next step was getting up and moving or at least pretending that you were. I’m still a work in progress, but I recognize now, more than ever, that the effects of people, circumstances, words, and environment are not things you get over to get to the other side. Getting through to the other side requires work, hard, consistent work. It’s been vital for me to examine where my thoughts stem from and intentionally do something to change the narrative I created about who I am and who I am not. Stepping out and blogging tells little eavesdropping, disappointed, uncomfortable Jackie that she can do whatever she puts her mind to; There are no ‘buts.’ Writing when my thoughts say I can’t forces me to get off the floor and out of the darkness.

Remove your focus from the thoughts that keep you stagnant, angry, unhappy, and confused. Take some time to assess where your negative thoughts may have started. Speak to the stressed, angry, disappointed, and sad thoughts that try to shake you. Acknowledge that the negative thoughts are there, they are real, and they are powerless. Read, research, and listen to things that counter your negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions concerning your situation and the situations of those you love. You can control your thoughts and prevent them from negatively affecting your perception and, in turn, your reality. Shift your focus from your negative thoughts to positive ones that are truthful and uplifting. It is not always easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ~2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. ⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. ~Philippians 4:6-9

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~Romans 12:2