Choosing Freedom: Breaking the Chains of Shame

Shame—it’s a word that carries a heavy weight, especially for those who have endured trauma and hardship. It seeps into every part of your life, distorting your self-worth and how you see yourself. For years, I carried the burden of shame from experiences that were beyond my control. While I’m still healing, today, I’m choosing to break the silence and share my story. This is part of my journey, and I hope that by sharing, others might find the strength to confront their own struggles.

Shame is a powerful, insidious emotion. It creeps in slowly, until it feels like a permanent part of you. For survivors of abuse or those who’ve faced significant hardships, shame can feel overwhelming. It tells you that you’re somehow responsible for what happened, that you should have done something differently, that you’re less worthy because of it. But the truth is, shame is a lie—a lie meant to keep you silent and isolated.

For me, shame started early, tied to my parents’ struggles. Growing up with a mother with substance abuse issues brought a deep sense of shame. My father, although well-known in our neighborhood, was mostly absent from my life because of his own substance abuse issues. We hid who we were, pretending to be a “normal” family while chaos brewed behind closed doors. My grandparents were my primary caregivers, but the instability from my parents’ challenges loomed large. It felt like we were always in survival mode, hiding the truth of our family’s struggles from the outside world.

The phrase “what happens in this house, stays in this house” was a rule I grew up with, and those words still bring a lump to my throat. I understand now that my parents and grandparents believed they were protecting us from judgment or intervention. But as a child, those words felt like a command to bury our pain and pretend everything was okay. It taught me to keep secrets, even when those secrets were hurting me.

Shame became even more complicated when I was abused by a family member—someone who was known to be inappropriate with girls. Despite this, nothing was done to protect us. I wasn’t just ashamed of what happened, I also blamed myself for not stopping it, even though I was just a child. That shame followed me long after, shaping how I saw myself and how I related to others. 

As if the shame from the abuse wasn’t enough, the financial struggles that followed only deepened my feelings of inadequacy.

As I grew older, the shame continued to build. Moving in with my mother full-time exposed us to even more financial hardship. We struggled constantly—sometimes the lights were shut off, sometimes there was no food in the house. And then there was Christmas Eve, when we were evicted from an extended-stay motel—a time that should have been joyful but was filled with sadness, confusion, and shame.

I vividly remember being evicted by the sheriff in front of the entire neighborhood while my mom wasn’t home. It wasn’t the first eviction, but this one felt different—more humiliating. Not a single tear fell as I packed as much as I could into trash bags and used a neighbor’s phone to call for help. That day, I learned to hide my struggles, to appear fine even when everything was falling apart.

When I was 16, I experienced another violation. By this age there had been many but this was the first violent one. I blamed myself for trusting the wrong person and carried even more shame. I believed that I was somehow damaged, unworthy of love or respect. I didn’t talk about what happened until years later in therapy, but the shame had already taken its toll.

The shame from these experiences affected every part of my life. It shaped how I saw myself, never feeling good enough. It affected my relationships—I kept people at a distance, afraid they’d see how broken I was. It impacted my mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and a constant fear of being exposed for who I thought I was.

Breaking the silence in therapy helped me see the truth: the shame didn’t belong to me. It belonged to those who hurt me, those who failed to protect me, and those who stood by silently. Speaking out has been terrifying, but it’s been a critical part of my healing. Blogging about my experiences is another step in untangling the web of shame and seeing myself more clearly.

Faith has been another anchor in my healing. Through my relationship with God, I’m learning that my worth isn’t tied to what happened to me or the struggles my family endured. God sees me as whole, loved, and worthy of healing. While I’m still working on fully embracing this truth, it’s a vital part of reclaiming my life.

Healing from shame is a journey, not a destination. It takes time and requires confronting the lies that shame tells us. Therapy, particularly EMDR, has helped me reframe painful memories and heal from within. Creative outlets, like crafting, have also become a form of therapy, allowing me to express emotions that words can’t capture.

Redefining my self-worth has been one of the hardest parts of this process. I’m still learning that my value doesn’t come from others’ opinions, the events of my past, or financial struggles. My worth is inherent—given by God and unchangeable, even on the days when it’s hard to believe.

This process hasn’t been easy, and it hasn’t happened overnight. It’s taken years of peeling back layers of shame, confronting painful memories, and choosing to see myself through a lens of grace. But with each step, I’m beginning to see myself not as a victim, but as a survivor—someone who is still walking through the fire but stronger because of it.

Scriptures like Isaiah 61:1-3, which speak of God healing the brokenhearted, remind me that my story doesn’t end with trauma or shame. There is hope, healing, and a future beyond the pain—even if I’m still in the process of fully realizing it.

To anyone struggling with shame from trauma or hardship, I want you to know: You are not alone, and the shame does not belong to you. Healing is possible. It’s a difficult journey, but it’s one worth taking.

Romans 8:1 (NIV) – “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

Isaiah 54:4 (NIV) – “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.”

Psalm 34:5 (NIV) – “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.”

Hebrews 12:2 (NIV) – “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”